Office Spam™

Radisson SAS Hotel in Berlin

One of the most exciting hotels in Berlin Mitte, the 5 star Radisson SAS Hotel features the world's largest cylindrical aquarium with 2,500 tropical fish. The AquaDom is 25 metres high and situated in the hotel lobby.

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Here is a shot from the ground up.

This piece of office spam was submitted by gid

Launching a New Boat Goes Bad

One 65' custom-built motor yacht replete with 4 staterooms, state-of-the-art OK CB...Hope your luck is a lot better when it is time to launch you yacht...

galley, GPS System and navigation radar, twin supercharged diesel engines, etc.

Cost:........................................ $4,500,000.00
Being prepared for maiden launch. Crane transfer from quayside to water.

Other costs

Crane + rigging + labour engaged for 2 hours.......................................... = $2,500.00

Champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries with cream ................... = $300.00

Music dockside for 'soon-to-be-owners' and a small group of friends.... = $500.00

Photographer to capture the happy moment..................................................... = $350.00

..and then......

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Watching from quayside as a ( $55.00 ) faulty turnbuckle on the hoisting rig collapses, the serpentine belt snaps & your dream boat nosedives into the harbor with two corporate representatives [ one in the bridge and the other seen 'hanging' in the stern ] performing the handover routine just prior to inking the final paperwork...

This nifty piece of Office Spam was submitted by JPAC.

Olympic Firing Sqad

The Olympic Spirit is live and well in China.

I don't know about you, but doesn't this cartoon make you want to visit Beijing for the Olympics this summer.

]]> This post was originally posted on a blog post called Olympic Spirit.

This piece of office spam was borrowed from gid

Thanks For the Warning

If you were around in 1919 and saw this poster:

Lips-That-Touch-Liquor-Shall-Not-Touch-Ours

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Would you really quit drinking?

This piece of Office Spam was submitted by the Obama Blog web site. Note the Obama blog is just for fun, so don't take it too seriously.

History Mystery: The Lincoln and Kennedy Connection

Have a history teacher explain this... if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

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John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

This piece of Office Spam was submitted by the Obama Blog web site. Note the Obama blog is just for fun, so don't take it too seriously.

Engineering Question of the Day

Q.) How much does a house weigh?

A.) Just a tad more than a rural two-lane bridge can hold, apparently.

House collapses bridge. This is a picture of the back of the house

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House collapses bridge. This is a shot from the front of the house.

I hope the home was insured.

So, would this be covered by house insurance, car insurance, or does it come under roadside assistance with AAA?

This piece of Office Spam was submitted by the Viatical Life Settlements web site.

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,current medical report from your doctor and personal reccomendation from your clergy.

NAME______________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT________ IQ______ GPA_________

SOCIAL SECURITY #___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS____________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

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REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend
___________________________________________________

How often you attend
________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
____________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
____________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:
____________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
____________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
____________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_____________________     _____________________
Mother's Signature       Father's Signature
____________________     _____________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi    State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter.

This nifty piece of Office Spam was submitted by Rebecca M.

The Art of Political Spin by Hillary Rodham Clinton

Political Spin techniques and how the are packaged.

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch:

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Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.

And THAT is how it's done folks.

This nifty piece of Office Spam was submitted by the Obama blog.

Tell me this won't happen to us!

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

]]> LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex..' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know th at we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!

This nifty piece of Office Spam was submitted by a Dewey and Judy.

Jock Vs Nerd --This is impossible to grasp

Michael Jordan having "retired", with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

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If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay about $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. Past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it.................................However...

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Nerd WINS !!!!

This nifty piece of Office Spam was submitted by a chattanooga photographer.

Pretty Scary

This picture was taken by a TraumaHawk helicopter flying over Lake Worth , (For those of you who are not local, Lake Worth is near West Palm Beach, Fl.)

That has to be a HUGE gator to have a whole deer in its mouth! Are you ready to go fishing in Lake Okaheelee?! If you water ski -- try not to fall.

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The alligator was found near Forest Hill Blvd and the Florida Turnpike... near a house , Game Wardens were forced to shoot the alligator- guess he wouldn't cooperate. Jayne a nd Don Hobkirk could hear the bellowing in the night. Their neighbors had been telling them that they had seen a mammoth alligator in the Lake that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as being exaggerations.

"I didn't believe it, this baby was huge!" Don Hobkirk said. Friday they realized the stories were, if anything, understated. Florida Game and Parks game wardens had to shoot the beast...

Joe Goff, 6' 5" tall, a game warden with the Florida Game and Parks Commission, walks past the 23-foot, one inch alligator that he shot and killed in the back yard of Jayne & Don Hobkirk...

This nifty piece of Office Spam was submitted by Michael R.

With One Pen Stroke

Such artistry!
This picture was done with one pen stroke.
It starts on tip of the nose and ends on the bottom.
Check out the copyright date.

All Done with a Single Stroke of the Pen
Copyrighted 1884, by the Publishers, Knowles & Maxim

Make sure to click on the image to see a bit more detail.

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All Done with a Single Stroke of the Pen Copyrighted 1884, by the Publishers, Knowles & Maxim

This nifty piece of Office Spam was submitted by owner of the patapum baby carriers store. They sell all types of baby backpacks. Please take a minute to check out their online store.

THE CHICKEN BUSINESS

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

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But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!

This nifty piece of Office Spam was submitted by the life insurance co web site.

Half-Wit

A man owned a small farm in Indiana.

The Indiana State Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. "

]]> "Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

This nifty piece of Office Spam was submitted by a chattanooga photographer.

Chewing Gum

During a commercial airline flight a Veteran Navy Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

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When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, 'Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!'

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, 'Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum.

This nifty piece of OfficeSpam was submitted by the Kozy Carrier Mei Tai.