Office Spam™

A C-130 was flying on a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up next to him.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb! He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

THE ABSOLUTE BEST-EVER RESPONSE TO A 'DEAR JOHN' LETTER

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great.

I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.

Please return the picture of me that I sent you.

Love, Becky

A Good Shave A fellow got up one morning and decided he no longer was going to shave himself, he was instead going to the barber for his morning shave.

The town barber also happened to be the local pastor in town. When the guy walked into the barber shop the barber/pastor was not there, he was out on a pastoral call but his wife Grace was in the shop.

The man said to Grace, "I want a shave." Grace told him to climb up in the chair and she gave him a shave. When Grace was finished he asked her how much for the shave and Grace said, "Twenty dollars."

"Twenty dollars, that seems a little steep," the guy replied.

WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

How to Have a Successful Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple ". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once. "

How to tell if your Dungeon Master has military experience:

1. The orc hordes you encounter have noncoms and medics.
2. Healing potions also restore tattoos.
3. The Winged Horse won't fly until you do a full safety inspection.
4. The dungeons are patrolled by MP's that keep asking 'Who started this fight?'
5. If you don't state that your character is performing scheduled weapons and armor maintenance after each combat, they rust to powder in about a day.
6. Elves give directions with terms like 'Fore' and 'Aft.'
7. You learn to retreat from any monster with a Marine Corps tattoo.
8. The curses attached to some treasures include KP Duty and Full Kit Inspection.
9. You can't stop for a night without submitting a complete watchbill for the characters in camp.
10. New players joining after the adventure starts show up with Transfer Orders.
11. The kingdom has a number of trolls, minotaurs and giants caged in silos on the border. The thread of MAD (Monster Assured Destruction) seems to keep the peace.
12. No matter what sort of area you adventure in, or what background culture dwells there, or what the dominant race of the surroundings is, every town, keep, village, city or fish camp you enter has at least one bar, two brothels, three pawn shops, a tattoo parlor and a barber shop.
13. The Healing Cleric always makes you wait for two hours before trying to send you away with a pair of toadstools and forced fluids.
14. After the goblins pass by, all the dungeons have a fresh coat of paint
15. A mysterious figure, the Gunny, appears every time you make a mistake. Don't make mistakes. Just don't.
16. Saying 'we tie him up' always starts a 20 minute discussion of knots, with 4 skill rolls.
17. Guard Dogs are not just hit points that bark...they're chain saws with fur.
18. If captured by the monsters, your character always gets put to work digging latrines. Even if held by ethereal beings that don't use them.
19. Magic Users have to account for every ounce of equipment or supplies they carry, in careful attention to the rules for burdens. Blooded warriors can put 'One Piano' on their character sheet and it's just assumed they can 'handle the load.'
20. Every advancement to a new class level involves a trip to a tattoo parlor.

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete and K.C.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow'."

She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff.

Ladies, be real careful where you drag your husbands.

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets so bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton gets this letter from Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Wal-Mart:

• June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
• July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
• July 7: Made! a trai l of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest rooms.
• July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.
• August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
• September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
• September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
• September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
• October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
• November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
• December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission I! mpossib le" theme.
• December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
• December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
• December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
  
  And last, but not least...
• December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Can you believe this..........I guess it takes all kinds to make a world. I get the willys just looking at the pictures................

* * * W-O-W ..... I mean , 900 meters - - - that's about 1,000 ft. in human terms . . . . ! ! !

This is a case of photographer photographs photographer. The following photographs were taken by photographer Hans van de Vorst at the Grand Canyon, Arizona. The descriptions are his own. The identity of the photographer IN the photos is unknown.

I was simply stunned seeing this guy standing on this solitary rock IN the Grand Canyon.

The canyon's depth is 900 meters here. The rock on the right is next to the canyon and safe.

Watching this guy on his thong sandals, with a camera and a tripod I asked myself 3 questions:

1. How did he climb that rock? 2. Why not taking that sunset picture on that rock to the right, which is perfectly safe? 3. How will he get back?

Weather Bulletin - North Dakota
Priceless

This text is from a county emergency manager out in the western part of North Dakota after a snowstorm.

North Dakota News
WEATHER BULLETIN



Up here, in the Northern Plains, we just recovered from a Historic event--- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions" --- with a historic blizzard of up to 44" inche s of snow and winds to 90 MPH that broke trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed ALL roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands.

FYI:

George Bush did not come.

FEMA did nothing.

No one howled for the government.

No one blamed the government.

No one even uttered an expletive on TV

Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit.

Our Mayor did not blame Bush or anyone else.

Our Governor did not blame Bush or anyone else, either.

CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX or NBC did not visit - or report on this category 5 snowstorm. Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards.

No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House.

No one looted.

Nobody - I mean Nobody demanded the government do something.

Nobody expected the government to do anything, either.

No Larry King, No Bill O'Rielly, No Oprah, No Chris Mathews and No Geraldo Rive ra.

Attitude makes all the difference in our lives.

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?"
So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?"

So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"



Attitude is everything. Have a Good Day!

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly.......Leave the rest to God.