Office Spam™

Correct answers for the Holiday Trivia Contest are highlighted in green.

What do they use for Christmas Trees in India?

Banana trees and mango trees



Where country does the name Santa Clause come from?

Holland - Dutch - Sinter Klaas



What is the name of the brother of Santa Clause?

Bells Nichols – Due to the wide number of possible correct answers this question was tossed out.



In the holiday classic movie “Holiday Inn” which song was nominated for an Academy Award?

1. White Christmas
2. Snow-snow-snow
3. Sisters
4. Count your Blessings Instead of Sheep *




In the 1988 film "Scrooged," the character played by Bill Murray is:

a) a cold-hearted banker
b) a cold-hearted TV executive
c) a cold-hearted police officer
d) a cold-hearted politician

I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and left. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd...did the Sheriff come?

Yeah!

Did they chop your firewood?

"Yep!

Happy Birthday, buddy!

(Rednecks know how to git-ER-dun)

For My Democratic Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere .

Definition of Globalization
INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST!

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.


Question: How come?
Answer:


An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean. The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

A SPECIAL ONE TIME TAX CREDIT ON YOUR 2006 TAX RETURN

Subject: Print this out and put in 2006 tax return folder. It is an easy $30 to $ 60. When it comes time to prepare and file your 2006 tax return, make sure you don't overlook the federal excise tax refund credit. You claim the credit on line 71 of your form 1040. A similar line will be available if you file the short form 1040A. If you have family or friends who no longer file a tax return AND they have their own land phone in their home and have been paying a phone bill for years, make sure they know about this form 1040EZ-T.

What is this all about? Well the federal excise tax has been charge to you on your phone bill for years. It is an old tax that was assessed on your toll calls based on how far the call was being made and how much time you talked on that call. When phone companies began to offer flat fee phone service, challenges to the excise tax ended up in federal courts in several districts of the country.

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This is another example of an amazing illusion!!! The last sentence is so true.

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, the dots will remain only one color, pink.

However if you stare at the black "+" in the center, the moving dot turns to green.

Now, concentrate on the black "+" in the center of the picture. After a short period, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see only a single green dot rotating.

It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.

This piece is truly humorous and has the possibilities of offending my conservative and liberal friends simultaneously. Enjoy (but no lashing back):

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
*_That's how villages were formed._*

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
*_known as the Conservative movement_*.

T'was the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.

Why the Politically Correct Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas - no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.

It might hurt people's feelings, the teachers would say,
December 25th is just a "Holiday".
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!

This is for all you folks buying upside-down Christmas trees this year. I adapted the old song Oh Christmas Tree.

Oh upside-down Christmas tree
Oh upside-down Christmas tree

How messed up are your branches

You look...
So silly now
Because you...
Are upside-down

Upside Down
Christmas Tree

It’s not your fault...
So hang in there
I know...
That it’s not fair

Oh upside-down Christmas tree
Oh upside-down Christmas tree
Your owners are trendy

They think...
That they are cool
But they...
Are only fools

It's just a fad...
And it will pass
Thank goodness...
It won’t last

Oh upside-down Christmas tree
Oh upside-down Christmas tree
Your owners are idiots

A Blonde's Year in Review

• January
  Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
• February
  Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ...Helllooo!!! ... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
• March
  Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
• April
  Trapped on the Macy's escalator for hours after the power went out!!
• May
  Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
• June
  Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
• July
  Lost breast stroke swimming competition ..... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
• August
  Got locked out of my car in rain storm car swamped because soft- top was open.
• September
  The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
• October
  Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.
• November
  Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
• December
  Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!