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June 1, 2006
What to do in a Terrorist Attack
The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov. displaying public service symbols for terrorism readiness, in the tradition of the old "duck and cover" campaigns after WWII. The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few guesses about what they mean:
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are bald, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one armless hand.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the f*** away.
Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
If your building collapses, cower under a desk and kiss your ass goodbye.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that crap.
If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, it is a psychological terror attack. Cower in the corner or run like hell.
If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
Austin is radioactive, move to Houston
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.
Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation. Always carry one!
Office Spam™ , Spam Hall of Fame | By Cube Dweller | 8:30 AM
Comments
Fantastic!! Great information to have in the event of an actual emergency - you have made my day.
Posted by: Lisa at June 1, 2006 11:33 AM
Hahah, this is hilarious. First good laugh I've had in ages. Thanks man.
Posted by: Venomous at August 2, 2006 5:40 PM
Like the signs, EBS (CONELRAD for us older geeks) is close to worthless. By the time they get it on the air: Your radio is a) floating, b) laying on the floor, c) melted, or d) suddenly stopped working for some reason.
Posted by: Jerome C. Borden at December 5, 2006 12:35 AM
Now that was damn freaking funny stuff man!
Posted by: Andy Draven at March 9, 2007 5:55 PM
these are so funny where can i see a real 1
peace out fellow commenters!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: person at June 25, 2007 3:29 PM
Please correct the text above the 16th picture, filename "lungs.gif." The person in the image is not standing with his arms akimbo. "Akimbo" means with the hands on the hips. This is a mistake that could cost someone their life in the event of a terrorist attack. Please make all efforts necessary to corrert it.
Other than that, this is very useful and important information. Thank you for making plain what the government obfuscated (as usual!).
Posted by: Hyetal at August 17, 2007 12:15 PM
does anyone know where the original forum to this is? i saw it like 5 years ago maybe more. it went on for about 50 pages!
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Posted by: chuck norris at September 25, 2007 5:48 PM
Same with me a saw the original thread four years ago and i cant find it. it was soooo much better then all this copy paste crap thats on now
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