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June 29, 2006
Where is God?
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous . They are always getting into trouble and Their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so She asked if he would speak with her boys.
The Preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
" Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, " Where is God?!"
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the Boy's face and bellowed, " Where is God?!"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, " what happened?" The younger brother, gasping For breath, replied, " We are in BIG trouble this time."GOD is missing, and they think we did it!
This nifty piece of OfficeSpam was submitted by Jasim.
Posted by Cube Dweller at 1:20 PM | Comments (1)
June 28, 2006
18 Ways to be a good liberal
- You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.
- You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
- You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.
- You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.
- You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.
- You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.
- You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
- You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
- You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but PETA activists do.
- You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
- You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make "The Passion of the Christ" for financial gain only.
- You have to blieve the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
- You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
- You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.
- You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.
- You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
- You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
- You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.
In all fairness if you have a good piece of conservative bashing OfficeSpam, then by all means spam me.
This nifty piece of OfficeSpam was submitted by Jon.
Posted by Cube Dweller at 3:13 PM | Comments (2)
June 16, 2006
Just when you thought you had everything
Just when you thought you had everything
Posted by Cube Dweller at 10:10 AM | Comments (4)
June 14, 2006
Urban Legend: Homicide Investigation
In 1994 at the annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS.
The President Dr Don Harter Mills astounded his audience with legal complications of a bizarre death.
On March 23, 1994 a medical officer examined the body of Ronald Opus. He concluded that Mr Opus had died as a result of a shotgun wound to the head. Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten storey building intending to commit suicide. He had left a note to the effect ind icating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned. Ordinarily a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide. The fact that Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast eminated, was occupied by an elderly couple.
They were arguing vigorously a nd the husband was threatening the wife with a shotgun. The husband was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus in the head, on his way down. When one intends to kill a subject "A" but kills subject "B' by mistake one is guilty of murder of subject "B". When confronted with the charge of murder the old man and his wife were adamant and
both said that they thought the gun was unloaded. The old man explained that it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with an unloaded shotgun during the course of their arguments. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an unfortunate accident; that is, if the gun had been accidently loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the argument and fatal shooting. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his Father would shoot his Mother. Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes
one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigations revealed that the son was in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his Mother's murder. On March 23 rd 1994 he went to the the top of the ten story building and jumped off, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through the ninth story window.
The son had actually murdered himself.
A true story.
Sorry to be the downer, once again, but this seems to be an urban legend. Check it out on snopes.
This nifty piece of OfficeSpam was submitted by Jon.
Posted by Cube Dweller at 9:25 AM | Comments (0)
June 9, 2006
What is your Blues Name?
Posted by Cube Dweller at 9:21 AM | Comments (1)
June 5, 2006
Pictures of Tiger Woods' House
Evidently these pictures are supposed to be pictures of Tiger Wood’s house located on a beautiful beach in Hawaii.
Continue reading "Pictures of Tiger Woods' House"
Posted by Cube Dweller at 10:45 AM | Comments (164)
June 1, 2006
What to do in a Terrorist Attack
The US government has a new website, http://www.ready.gov. displaying public service symbols for terrorism readiness, in the tradition of the old "duck and cover" campaigns after WWII. The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few guesses about what they mean:
If you have set yourself on fire, do not run
If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are bald, yell really loud.
If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder
If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one armless hand.
Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the f*** away.
Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.
Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
If your building collapses, cower under a desk and kiss your ass goodbye.
Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile
After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that crap.
If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, it is a psychological terror attack. Cower in the corner or run like hell.
If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
Austin is radioactive, move to Houston
If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.
Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation. Always carry one!
Posted by Cube Dweller at 8:30 AM | Comments (7)
